this year sucks so much this year. my gpa is going way way WAY down, tony and nikki are trying to call us again, and lotsa other personal shit. wtf, it's like experiencing all the crap i went through in 6th grade. wtf is wrong with me?

i try denying it, but not hard enough. i try studying, but i guess i'm either A. distracted a lot   B. not studying the right material  C. mentally unstable.

damn it, i guess it IS a combo of all that shit and maybe more. ugh.

i must be getting depressed. it's like everyone's getting depressed and that i'm one of the last few people that has finally caught ahold of this epidemic. damn. (i shoulda brought my gpa WAAY WAAY WAAAY up-it was so easy to fucking bs everything last year anyways. oh well.)

i. can't. wait. 4. this. year. and. all. this. shit. to. be. over. and. 4. summer. to. come. i hope junior and senior years will be a breeze and if not then i hope i can handle it without committing suicide. -_-  (ok, maybe that was a little too much since i'm afraid of pain and all, but well, i have been wondering what might happen if i did die accidently...hmm... no, never mind. *smacks head* i don't even wanna THINK about it! ARGH!!!!! MOMMY!!!)  <--haha, yeah i have issues.

wow...blogging is fun. (damn, i gotta go study 4 sanford's damn vocab quiz soon. but first things first....

as xiao li told me on friday when i suddenly (and randomly) broke down in the roots & shoots meeting, i should just study more and not worry about this shit. she's right, but my mind is constantly  playing future scenes of what might/will happen in the future when mom sees my fucked up report card and shit.

and i'm completely horrified. and pissed. and sad. and angry.

i'm scared. i keep asking myself why i got into bls and wtf is wrong with me. i have no fucking clue anymore and i don't even give a fuck.

so from now on, i'm gonna attempt to revert myself into the old hyper 10-year-old version of me from the last few years before i go back to what i was in the 6th grade. (damn it, why is that year still stuck on my mind?! UGH!!!!)

denial is key to survival. it's worked many times despite having ppl telling to just let things out. it just makes me feel worse after spilling my damn guts to someone, so why not do the opposite (which has worked plenty of times b4) and deny everything? deny everything-deny the sadness, deny the crap i'm going through right now, staying away from lotsa ppl (4 now) and just having lotsa free time to myself.

did i mention that it seems to me that everyone is pissing me off? enemies and friends alike are pissing the fucking hell outta me. (i'm sorry. and it's not because i have pms damn it!) i have no clue why but i do know that it's making me feel bad. i feel so fucking rotten. (well, except 4 the enemies part, but still...) damn it, damn it, damn it. (so i apologize to any of my friends reading this-seriously, i am sorry. (yeah, even u guys, kogan, hamid, toufic, yun han, and caitlan.)

sad, my friends didn't do anything in the 1st place and i'm still angry/pissed at them? ahahah, now i must REALLY be outta my mind.

i feel so crappy, but now i kinda feel a little bit better. i wonder if typing out the crappy shit in your life in your xanga works better than actually talking to a living person or writing in an old-fashioned journal? ah well.

so i really am sorry. and really tired of apologizing. ha ha.

ok, i'll admit that i do lotsa bitching, but it's mostly just academics, not anything else. everyone bitches about that shit. i didn't feel like dumping all my shit on anyone else because it might make them feel uncomtable and shit. (which  kinda explains why i've gotten sorta quieter  and why i haven't been on aim and all that shit lately. (not to mention that i'm just tired of hearing other ppls' problems as well. in fact, i'm pretty much trying to run away and turn my back on absolutely everything. i don't even FEEL COMPELLED to help anyone anymore, wtf!)

denial is the key to surviving in my case. deny everything and u'll just be fine, paulina. yeah, u will. keep smiling, laughing, and pretending that things are the same as last year. keep pretending and keep living a fantasy world, but still keep up with reality at times. (hahahah, now i sound like an immature coward who's denying everything-2 bad i am an immature coward trying to run away from my problems).

study more, make sure that we're connected to the internet as much as possible (we have dial-up so those bitches can't try calling us), etc., etc.

that was easy. now the hard part is actually DOING all this. yeah....

well, i'm gonna study 4 sanford's vocab quiz now.

summer's around the corner, pauline. (now why the hell am i using a 3rd person narrative?)

life's one big illusion and depending on how u look at it and ur disposition, u can either make it or not. bsing your way through is one main way of making it through this life.

well, i'm gonna start this now with studying. ahahah...

wow. so much as happened lately. (and when i say "a lot", i mean a lot!)

note to the reader:  the typist is about to bitch about every single thing that pops up into her already corrupted brain. please 4give her as u go through reading this shitload of crap. 

first of all, is it just me, or are all my friends that were supposingly having wonderful romantic relationships are now breaking up with each other? (no offense to anyone.)

second of all, my geometry grades didn't change. fuck power. i hope he accidently drives out into boston harbor and dies because he's 2 damn fat to swim. (ROFL-now THAT'S something!)

third of all, tony called one day and made maylin e-mail him. wtf. (and he broke up with nikki 2...geez, it's scary how mom can sometimes fucking predict ppls' lives perfectly...so why can't I predict my own damn life?)

don't mind me. stress has/is a major factor of my p.o.ed mode these days. (besides having a period every month.) ha. *total sarcasm*

why does tony and nikki bother calling us? they never write back anyways! we always have to be the ones writing to them, never getting a reply back when we really need it the most.

"if u need anything, call us." - those two asswipes.

the last time i ever counted on them 4 something was when i was 13. big fucking mistake. (we all know what happened after the hamster incident. did i mention that they haven't set foot in boston 4 a while now? (me: breathes a sigh of relief.)

god, the police are probably looking 4 ways to put me into the looney hospital by now. *sarcasm once again*

i just reliased how much i missed updating my xanga. perhaps i should just do it more often just 4 kicks?

oh, and 4 those of you who are reading this and are questioning my sanity, please rest assure that i am not suicidal (anymore anyways. 6th grade's WAY behind me, ppl.) or whatever.

however, i'm still your lovable, violent, bitchy young woman that has still retained her big ass mouth.  =)

oh, and the summer search interview? piece of crap. i shoulda bsed and acted out everything. dammit... fucked up  ppl. (not the readers, of course)

i suppose this is why black is now MY "reassuring" color and that blue doesn't have that same affect anymore.

rofl, that reminds me of something funny. annemarie once asked me if i was a gothic. read this:

*note: i 4get the exact words, but this is close enough.)

annemarie: pauline, are you a goth?

(this is when i swear yunhan and jacob were choking on their own salivia.)  =)  (ok, fine, at least yunhan looked like he kinda was. (sorry, man)

me: wtf...? no, why?

jacob: o hell no! definately not! (this is probably what he was thinking: can pauline actually BE a goth?! hmm...based on half of-no, not even half, 100% of the crazy situations she's gotten herself into...and then that memory and  those werid ass ways of hers...damn, how OLD is she anyways?!) 

(me = )

annemarie: it's cuz your nails are painted black.

(jacob looks like he's gonna explode with laughter at this point.)

me: no, annemarie, dear, i am not a goth. (if i explained about the color black's calming effects on me, that would just convince her that i'm a goth.)

funny though. she brings up a good point. is it just me, or have i been wearing mostly black and/or dark clothing 4 most of this year? (werid. i should go out and buy a really long black dress soon. not the ones where u'd wear at a funeral, but something kinda like what hanajima from fruits basket would wear. 'cept with less frills.)

and the funny thing is? maybe with some ribbons as well. black, white, and pink. (werid, i know)

goths who are reading this right now probably feel like kicking my ass now. oh well. what can i do about it? =-O

well, time to catch some z's. good night. 

(songs of the month: "i never told u what i do 4 a living" (my chemical romance), "shine more" (namie amuro), "regret" (gackt), "because of you" (ayumi hamasaki-yeah, ayu!!!!) and "i'm not ok (i promise)" (another mcr song.)

(too many songs, i know. there's more.)  =P